It has been a week... the school year is almost over and I am going to be a senior... I feel alone in this world... I need to relearn to be passive and let life slip through my fingers. It worked for two and a half years and it will work again. I need to slip into the abyss of solitude and hide myself from the world. Do as I do only to and for myself. Being that only death is there for me... everyone else has left... everything else has left... I do not understand the abilities of people... they surprise and confuse me every day... I do not get how someone who breaks a persons heart can still be their best friend... I do not get how life works or how God wants us to live. It makes no sence to me... My world is gone... so I will slip into the dark of nothing... Some say that you cannot repeat the past... but sometimes the past when repeated is the best thing to do. If I lock myself away... if I build a wall between me and socity... I cannot get hurt... I cannot be harmed. I have learned a few things that I never want to remember... I want to have never learned... I did not need to know that there are worse ways that I will die... I did not need to know that on top of cancer... on top of heart problems... on top of diabetis... I would have blood clots... that I would have worse eye problems... my life is a mistake... I dont understand how most people get through life... I dont know how I will get through life... when the only thing I have to look forward to is my own slow and painful death. The people who I thought to be my friends are not. They are only figments of a duranged mind. My friends are dead to me. My familiy is dead to me. I myself... I am dead...

On the other hand I have one more minipulation to post and after that I will no longer deal with that style of art. I have givin up on that... my ideas have left me. I might still paint... even though I dont post my paintings... I will still draw and create concept art... I might even still take photographs but... I might not post much over the summer. For during the summer I will just sit and stare across the lake.

My grandfather is getting better and they are going to get the camper anyday. They are sposed to come over today and learn a few things about the boat. They will have their summer home next door to ours... even though they will most likely not be there for a while being that my grandmother used most of her vacation days already. Two of my cousins are going to be saved in the eyes of God... My closest cousin's job is destroying his free time and I barly get to see him anymore. My other cousins are shit to me they are retarded little bitches!

That is all that I can think of... I know there is more that I could talk about but it would only be wasting the time of the few people who read this... have a better summer than I will...